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Old May 15th, 2011, 01:29 AM
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Re: “Naari”- Bhramar-Hindi kavita (Hindi poem).

Shukla Sahib, namashkar. I enjoyed visiting your blog. I spent an hour admiring your poems. I noticed a photo of a motherly like good lady with young toddler on her lap. I wondered if two are related to you?

You must have thousands of admirers. You have to cater to them all. I hope you don't mind if I was to share some uninvited observations? I communicated with you in Hindi, I wish, problem is my Hindi is as bad as my English.

You must approach someone to help you un-clutter your blogs. Blog is so full of good stuff that visitors must be having difficult time going through everything. Your town will have hundreds of computer proficient ... many will help you gladly.

You are using this thread as a container to place all poems here. This is good. We do not have to search entire forum. Please write to moderators to edit or delete if you are not happy with any posts which derail your thread, including mine.

You are having problem posting hindi font poems at this site. Have you installed a new browser? Or have you downloaded some new software? Please try to recall changes to computer since last time you posted a poem at this site.

I am not a poet. I don't have your talent. Please disregard following observation if not worth your time. Your poems relates to real-life situations. That is great. If poems were like a train ... you want train to travel on a straight patri ... you will not want your train to go from Delhi to Mumbai via Calcutta. That will be an irritating diversion.

Last thing you would want for attention of your readers to get diverted midway through the poem. I am quoting one of your most enjoyable (so-far) poem down below. I am putting in red ink few lines which were not needed (in my opinion but you have to cater to thousands of readers) ... lines which unnecessarily diverted my attention away for main theme which is your brother, his family, you and your family, your ma and family situation.






Quote:
Originally Posted by shuklabhramar5 View Post
जला हुआ घर आग निकलती
भैरव राग सुनाऊँ
मै दुनिया को जगा रहा हूँ
मेरे घर सब सोते
गली बुहारूं मै दुनिया की
घर सब- कूड़े में सोते
भाई मेरा पी कर आता
...........................बम -बम -बम -बम भोले
गा के -आधी रात जगाता
बीबी को फटकार कभी तो
माँ बापू का गला दबाता
लक्ष्मी गृह की -गृह क्लेश से
सहमी भूखी सोती
कितने सुन्दर प्यारे बच्चे
डर के सहमे सोते
वो क्या जानें प्यार क्या होता
धूल लपेटे-रोते
..................................गवर्नमेंट अपनी सब देती
.............................................घर -राशन बिजली अरु पानी
.............................................खाना भी स्कूल पठाती
.............................................पर बच्चो को ना ला पाती

मेरा गुस्सा अपने भाई
अपनी बीबी पर आता
लिखता पढता मै समझाता
कुत्ते सा भूंके मै जाता
बहरे कान न गाना सुनते
पोथी मेरी देते फेंक
कहते ‘घर’ है ‘जला’ जा रहा
मस्ती 'कवि' तुझको है आई
कहें भ्रमर क्या गला दबा दें
जिनके कारण- ‘आग’ लगी है
पुलिस -जेल या फिर भिजवा दें
भाई’ है लेकिन मेरा वो
"माँ" तो मेरे बीच खड़ी है
लिखते पढ़ते हार थका मै
‘माँ ‘की गोद में जा सो जाता
‘माँ’ को ‘आँख’ दिखाता जब वो
‘होश गवां’ जब जब चिल्लाता
तब ‘भूखा मै’ जाग-जाग कर
फिर कुछ लिखने को आ जाता
मेरी बीबी बहुत ‘सुघड़’ है
मधुर -मधुर समझाती
दिन भर-भोली-फुलवारी को
अपने रहे सजाती !!
कहती लिख दे सोहर-कजरी
पुस्तक में छपवाए
नाम के साथ तुम्हारे सजना
दो पैसे भी आये
हाथ पकड़ने जब जाऊं मै
झटक के बस है रोती

अच्छी बातें बोल बोलकर
घूमूँ ईमां -धर्म- राग मै गाऊं
डरता हूँ इस पागल दुनिया में
घूम घूम मै
पागल -ना बन जाऊं
लोग आज लिए पत्थर हैं
हाथ उठाये घूमें
किस पर भाई करूँ भरोसा
मजनू सा ना मै फंस जाऊं

तुम्ही बता दो
दिल गर तेरे
कुछ धड़कन है बाकी
अच्छा क्या ?? और कौन बुरा है??
कौन राह पकडूँ मै जाऊं
अंधियारे की राह -दिखा-ना
खायीं में गिर जाऊं !!

जला हुआ घर आग निकलती
भैरव राग सुनाऊँ !!
या सुधरें -भाई -सब मेरे
या चुल्लू भर गंगा पानी
डूब मरूं -तर जाऊं .

सुरेन्द्र कुमार शुक्ल भ्रमर५
९.४.२०११
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