Joke for Today!

[Jagmohan]

पत्नी---" ये वाला स्टील का गिलास लो"।
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पति---"नहीं, ज़रा और बड़ा गिलास लेंगे" !
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दुकानदार---"साहब जी, महिला दिवस भले ही चला गया है,लेकिन मैडम जो कह रही हैं, वही गिलास ले लीजिए ना"..!!!
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पति ---"अरे भैया तुम्हें बेचने की पड़ी है लेकिन इस छोटे से गिलास में मेरा हाथ घुसता नहीं है, मैं इसे माँजूगा कैसे ???




aries' bf- baby bhot bhukh lagi kuch aisa bana jo fatafat ban jae
aries- oki main baat ka batangad bnati hu





Girl gets caught by her dad with her bf at her home
Boy:uncle I love her.
Dad:hmm..Kitna kamaate ho?
Boy:nai uncle Main to roz aata hu.




rv- do you want to hear a joke about sodium

rohan - Na

rv- do u want to hear a joke about sodium hypobromite

rohan- NaBro

[Jagmohan]

Yeh Ladkiyan bhi ajeeb hoti hai....
Tyar hone ke liye Parlour jaati hai....
Aur ....
Parlour jaane ke liye bhi tyar hoti hai..





विजय आज भी ...
फेके हुए पैसे नहीं उठाता ...
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सीधे बैंक से लेके भाग जाता है......

[Jagmohan]

Breakups in China are worst, you see her face everywhere.


The radius of Wi-Fi is Limited...
But the radius of Wife-Eye is Unlimited...
Hope every1 had a safe Valentine Day!!!


What is Checkmate ?
You tell your Wife,
"I saw a lady,
looked exactly like you"
Wife asks,
"WAS SHE BEAUTIFUL..??"
You cant say 'NO'
You cant say 'YES'
That is Checkmate.!


Most of the men and women at the gym are working towards the same goal:
The perfect female body.


Thought of the day:
All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterward that causes all the trouble


In Delhi, people don't know which car to take out Today odd or even number
In Dubai, people don't know which wife to take out today.
In California, they don't know who's wife to take out today.

[Jagmohan]

Men have opinions, women have advice.


When Big B was singing the National anthem , rekha was very impressed and stood up to approach him, seeing this big B sang the last lines very loudly
" Jaya hai jaya hai jaya hai"


If Vijay Mallya gets into film production..Kingfisher Productions (Films of Good Times) Presents:


1 Soda akbar
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2 Sab ne pila di thodi
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3 Rum de basanti
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4 Hum tight ho chuke sanam
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5 Beer zara
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6 Bevde zameen par
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7 Ek tha bagpiper
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8 Rum maaro rum
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9 Maine drink tujhko diya
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10 Daaru dance
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11 Pag liya toh chakhna kya
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12 Ulti kar di aapne

13. Kabhi whisky, Kabhi Rum

14. Brandy Rathore

15. 3 Drunkards

16. Ek thaa Kingfisher

17. Whisky Donor

Coming soon to a theater near you,....
If Vijay Maalya started making movies,..



HUMBLE REQUEST :
He has served us Beer when we were Sad & Happy
Now he needs our help
Please save Vijay Mallya,
Pls ADOPT atleast ONE Kingfisher Airhostess.

[Jagmohan]

लोकसभा में स्मृति ईरानी के चंडी रूप ने सबसे ज्यादा मोदी और राहुल को अचंभित किया।
बाकी विवाहित लोग तो औरत का ये रूप रोज अपने घरों में देखते ही रहते हैं।



आज की नारी...
मैं एक बेटी हूँ..
मैं एक बहन हूँ..
मैं एक बीवी हूँ..
मैं एक मॉं भी हूँ....
लेकिन खबरदार जो किसी ने आंटी बोला तो..!!



“बारिश में चलना पसन्द है मुझे..
ताकि मेरे आंसू को कोई पहचान न सके.”:|:|:|
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.ऐसे शायरी वो लौंडे मारते हैं..
जो तालाब में नहाते वक़्त सु-सु भी कर देते हैं.



सावधान;
Whatsapp और Facebook का साईड इफेक्ट हो रहा है !
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कल एक आदमी
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अखबार में छपे फोटो को भी ऊंगलियो से zoom कर रहा था

[Jagmohan]

...A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.


... The batteries were given out free of charge.


... A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.


... A will is a dead giveaway.


... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.


... A boiled egg is hard to beat.


... Police were called to the daycare centre, where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.


.. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.


... A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.


... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.


... He had a photographic memory which was never developed.


... When she saw her first strands of grey hair thought she'd dye.


... Acupuncture is a job well done. That's the point of it.

[Jagmohan]

हमे जिस देश पर नाज है, आज में पूछना चाहता हूँ की ये देश इतना संवेदन हीन कैसे हो सकता हे
क्या यही हमारी संस्कृति हे
महीनो से एक अबला नारी गुहार लगा रही हे
मगर उसकी सुनने वाला कोई नहीं है
कहाँ है सारे महिला संगठन
कहाँ हें अवार्ड वापसी वाले आर्टिस्ट
क्या उन्हें इस मासूम की गुहार सुनाई नहीं देती
जबकि हर किसी ने फरियाद सुनी है
वो महीनो से कह रही हे
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Dj वाले बाबू.. मेरा गाना बजा दो ।



बाबा रामदेव ने कहा " ठण्ड से बचने के लिए आजवाइन पिए "
कुछ दर्शको ने ये समझा aaj wine पियें।



हम इंडियन्स से ज्यादा पानी किसीने भी
नहीं बचाया होगा..
अरे हमने तो मुहावरे तक में सिर्फ 'चुल्लू' भर पानी ही
खर्च किया था..!



दारू बनाने वाला कर्ज में है
दारू बनाने के लिए कर्ज देने वाले बैंक क़र्ज़ में हैं
और दारू पीने वाले भी कर्ज में है
तो पैसा गया कहाँ?



एक नई App आई है... एक घंटा मोबाइल नही छुओ तो, मोबाइल से आवाज आती है, "मालिक, जिन्दा हो या चल बसे।"



अगर दर्द भरी शायरी पेलने से लड़की मिलती तो
आज सबसे ज्यादा gf पंकज उधास और शब्बीर कुमार की
होती

[swami]

Please use WhatsApp thread to post WhatsApp forwards
Thanking you

[Jagmohan]

I don't know where this material will fit, hence putting it, here.

Facebook wall: Reactions to Narendra Modi’s suggestion to popularise Football during Mann Ki Baat

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/...-mann-ki-baat/


Australian Player

https://www.facebook.com/fanollywood...3180149966564/

[Jagmohan]

[swami]

मोदी:-
'पेशाब के बाद साबुन से हाथ जरूर धोना चाहिए'.

दिग्विजय सिंह :-
मैंने तो आज तक नहीं धोये, यह आरएसएस की चाल है आरएसएस अपनी विचारधारा को थोपना चाहता है .

अकबरुदीन ओवेसी:-
मोदी में हिम्मत है तो हैदराबाद आ कर हाथ धो कर दिखाए ।

सोनिया गांधी :-
गरीब विरोधी सरकार है, जिस के पास साबुन नहीं वो कैसे हाथ धोएगा साबुन से , इस्तीफ़ा इस्तीफ़ा , संसद नहीं चलने देंगे.

लालू :-
कैसे मोदी जबरदस्ती से तानाशाह हो गए हैं , हमारी मर्जी , हम धोएंगे नहीं चाटेंगे।

मायावती:-
साबुन से हाथ धोने से कीटाणु मर जाते हैं, झारखण्ड में आदिवासी लोग कीटाणुओं को देवता मानते हैं , ये मनुवादी सरकार है दलितों का अपमान नहीं सहेंगे ।

मीडिया:-
पेशाब के बाद हाथ धोना क्यों जरूरी है? क्या यही लोकतंत्र है? शाम 6 बजे देखिये बड़ी बहस "सवाल धोने का नहीं पर हाथ पर पेशाब ही क्यों करें?"

नितीश कुमार :-
यह लोकतंत्र पर हमला है , लोगो पर छोड़ देना चाहिए की वो हाथ धोएं या नहीं , हम बिहार में हाथ नहीं धोने वालों को 30 % आरक्षण देंगे .

राहुल गांधी:-
मोदी जी हाथ धोने ही नहीं देते

दुकानदार मोदी से:-
साहिब ये बवाल क्यों हो रहा है?

मोदी :-
एक Handwash दे यार, इनका रोज का ड्रामा है.

[log1iszero]

A few puns...

1. Laxman to Seeta: Stay offline
2. Mayawati ctrls+all+dalits
3. My watch is stuck between 2 and 2.30. It's a do or dhai situation.
4. What did Jaya say to Abhishek when they saw Amitabh coming home in a rickshaw, "Rickshey mein toh woh tumhare baap lagte hai"
5. A potato was interrogated by cops. After 3 hours of torture, it gave in and said 'Main batata hun, main batata hun...'
6. A well executed theft in which there are no finger prints left is a stainless steal.
7. "Yahoo! Messenger." - Sita after seeing Hanuman in Lanka for the first time.
8. Friends pay restaurant bills on a de-tu-de basis.
9. 'I laughed yesterday' in Hindi is 'Michael Hussey'.
10. They don't facepalm in Indian villages. They Sarpanch.
11. An old lady asked me the way to the temple, I replied 'Magistrate.'
12. Me: "Excuse me, Beer ke saath kuch complementary toh do?" Waiter: "Nice Shirt!"
13. Rahul Dravid's wristwatch is technically a wall clock.
14. Arsenal naam hi galat hai. Na se nal hota hai
15. Toll Booths are nothing but Bill Gates.
16. "What's the way to the cemetery?" "Go straight and take the last rite."
17. Vishwanathan Anand gets tense when the waiter in the hotel says 'Check'...

Who Knows? May be written by by a Pun Jabi!!
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Judge: Do you want to stay with your mom? Child: No. She beats me.
Judge: Then do you want to stay with your dad? Child: No. He too beats me
Judge: Do you want to stay with your grandparents? Child: No, they also beat me.
Judge: Ok. So do you want to stay with your uncle? Child: No. They beat me too
Judge: Ok. So tell me who you want to stay with? Child: I want to stay with Royal Challengers Bangaluru (RCB).... They dont beat anybody
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Lady patient to the Doctor inside his examination room "Doctor can you please call my husband inside, I am not feeling comfortable. "
Doctor - "Trust me lady, I am a Doctor & I am a Gentleman.
Lady patient - "No that's not the issue. Your receptionist is alone outside and my husband is neither a doctor nor a gentleman...!!!!!!"
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A frustrated student asked his Maths teacher..If Zero was invented by Aryabhatt and he was born in Kaliyuga..... Then... In the past Dwaparayug, who counted 100 Kauravas and Ravana's 10 heads and How? Teacher resigned and went back to Vedic education but is still not able to find the answer...
Jokes apart but the point needs to be noted.

[log1iszero]

- Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
- I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."
- I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
- If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
- Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?
- Take my advice — I'm not using it.
- Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.
- Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
- I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
- Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.
- If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
- A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
- Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
- My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test--the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.
- There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.
- Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
- He who laughs last thinks slowest.
- Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
- Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
- I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it




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[log1iszero]

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उपराष्ट्रपति बनाये गए थे लाचारी में ।
अंतर नहीं समझे देशभक्ति और गद्दारी में ।।


काँच और हीरे को एक-सा समझने वालों ।
बहुत फ़र्क होता है कलाम और अंसारी में ।।

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*Master piece*

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Teacher:- राजीव गांधी का खेलों में ऐसा क्या योगदान था, जो उनके नाम पर 'राजीव गांधी खेल रत्न पुरस्कार दिया जाता है?


Student:- राजीव गांधी जी ने खेल-खेल में देश को एक ऐसा रत्न दिया, जिससे आज पूरा देश खेलता है,,


Well,… kayi log akshar yeh poochte hai,.. ki,…" Bhai,… Rajiv Gandhi ka toh khud ka apna, aisa koi,….. “Khel” mein pradan / yog-daan hi nahin thaa,… fir bhi,…bhala,….. “Rajiv Gandhi Khel-ratna awards ” aakhir kyun diye jaate hai,…???? sawaal vyaajabi hai,...

Bhala,…... sahi baat to yeh hai ki,… khel-khel mein hi, unhon ne, humein ek aisa ratna jo diya hai,…. Jin se, aaj, saara desh jo khel raha hai …. Kam hai kya ?? !!! Haahahaa

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यूँ ही नही चोटी काट रहा है अनजान दिलजला,

किसी ने ज़ुल्फो के साये में फ़सा के छोड़ा होगा।।

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[sarv_shaktimaan]

एक आयुर्वेदिक शेर अर्ज़ है :

अदरक की गांठों... सा रहा बचपन अपना...

बस उतना ही सुधरे, जितना कूटे गए...!!