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Poetry Let those spontaneous, tumultous expressions of creativity flow ...

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  #61  
Old April 9th, 2011, 03:41 PM
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shuklabhramar5 shuklabhramar5 is offline
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Re: Naariसच की तावीज - Bhramar-Hindi kavita (Hindi poem).

[quote=badriprasad;552080]You are the writer. You are the expert. This is what I would prefer ... to be better able to appreciate and for ease of read ...

[size="3"][b][font="Comic Sans MS"]सच की तावीज
दादी माँ मै सोना चाहूं
दे-ना चाहे तो लोरी गाये
मुझे सुला दे !!

Many Many thanks Badri Sir, Tantrik Yogi ji and Premi ji , especially to Mr.Badri Prasad ji for giving much more time on the issue of
Nindak niyare rakhiye aangan kuti chhavay
I am not so expert like u ppl to explain u like u intellectuals -meaning of joining hands with Anna Hajare is known today to to entire world and for thinking that i will right for any she is not genuine.
I have earlier posted a link of my blog here but it was moderated by saying external link -so wat to think again ??
About my signature -it was just as i heard,just a quoute, may be not correct, it is not my creation , it will be removed.
Regarding prize and honour u r rt till today great sachin and many in other fields r in queue .
About error 505 and 404 i m still mentally not clear about map etc wat u explained -however i ll contact and take advice of u experts .
Bhramar is a bhaunra -who is moving around the Kali a bud a flower for taking parag -honey-good smell .
shuklabhramar5
quote from any- Kankadiya maar ke jagaya -tu mere sapne me aaya -baalma tu bada vo hai ???
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दादी माँ -सपने ना मुझको
सच की तू तावीज बंधा दे
हंसती रह तू दादी अम्मा
आँचल सर पर मेरे डाले
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  #62  
Old April 10th, 2011, 12:29 PM
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Re: Naariसच की तावीज - Bhramar-Hindi kavita (Hindi poem).

Shuklaji,my sincere advice to you
Your posting of the poem would be a waste if you dont inspire people to read them,bcoz most of the member here atleast would go for poetry occasionally.
To inspire them to read your contributions interact with us in other threads,if you take some time you would find a wide range of topics on Echarcha which would be of interest to you,in short you can find people here with common interest as yours.

[quote=shuklabhramar5;552158]
Quote:
Originally Posted by badriprasad View Post
You are the writer. You are the expert. This is what I would prefer ... to be better able to appreciate and for ease of read ...

[size="3"][b][font="Comic Sans MS"]सच की तावीज
दादी माँ मै सोना चाहूं
दे-ना चाहे तो लोरी गाये
मुझे सुला दे !!

Many Many thanks Badri Sir, Tantrik Yogi ji and Premi ji , especially to Mr.Badri Prasad ji for giving much more time on the issue of
Nindak niyare rakhiye aangan kuti chhavay
I am not so expert like u ppl to explain u like u intellectuals -meaning of joining hands with Anna Hajare is known today to to entire world and for thinking that i will right for any she is not genuine.
I have earlier posted a link of my blog here but it was moderated by saying external link -so wat to think again ??
About my signature -it was just as i heard,just a quoute, may be not correct, it is not my creation , it will be removed.
Regarding prize and honour u r rt till today great sachin and many in other fields r in queue .
About error 505 and 404 i m still mentally not clear about map etc wat u explained -however i ll contact and take advice of u experts .
Bhramar is a bhaunra -who is moving around the Kali a bud a flower for taking parag -honey-good smell .
shuklabhramar5
quote from any- Kankadiya maar ke jagaya -tu mere sapne me aaya -baalma tu bada vo hai ???
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  #63  
Old April 10th, 2011, 07:28 PM
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Re: Naariसच की तावीज - Bhramar-Hindi kavita (Hindi poem).

Quote:
Originally Posted by swami View Post
Shuklaji,my sincere advice to you
Your posting of the poem would be a waste if you dont inspire people to read them,bcoz most of the member here atleast would go for poetry occasionally.
To inspire them to read your contributions interact with us in other threads,if you take some time you would find a wide range of topics on Echarcha which would be of interest to you,in short you can find people here with common interest as yours.
Mod ban-ne ke baad to lambi lambi jhaad raha hai...
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  #64  
Old April 11th, 2011, 12:56 AM
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shuklabhramar5 shuklabhramar5 is offline
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Re: Naariसच की तावीज - Bhramar-Hindi kavita (Hindi poem).

[quote=swami;552217]Shuklaji,my sincere advice to you
Your posting of the poem would be a waste if you dont inspire people to read them,bcoz most of the member here atleast would go for poetry occasionally.
To inspire them to read your contributions interact with us in other threads,if you take some time you would find a wide range of topics on Echarcha which would be of interest to you,in short you can find people here with common interest as yours.

Thanks Swamiji -- I m doing some times-- But my world is something different-- I'm busy actually in my hindi platforms at many places,but trying sure in other threads-nice advice-expect from u all to join hands for betterment of our society n country by any means -where ever we are -
Kabhi Kisi Platform Par ,
Bhayi Ham SB Mil Jayenge,
Diya Hath Me Liye Huye HM,
Ujiyara Kuchh Failayenge!!!

DHANYVAD
BHRAMAR5
http://surenrashuklabhramar.blogspot.com
HAJARON ANNA KI TALASH ME !!!!!!
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दादी माँ -सपने ना मुझको
सच की तू तावीज बंधा दे
हंसती रह तू दादी अम्मा
आँचल सर पर मेरे डाले

Last edited by shuklabhramar5; April 21st, 2011 at 01:07 PM. Reason: writing in caps is considered as shouting so please use in normal case.
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  #65  
Old April 15th, 2011, 02:10 AM
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shuklabhramar5 shuklabhramar5 is offline
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Re: Naari- Bhramar-Hindi kavita (Hindi poem).

Badri sir ji with your grace i reached to Majal ji , i hv joined followed their also , how ? will you recommend me also ?? my blos title is

BHRAMAR KA DARD AUR DARPAN
address is http://surenrashuklabhramar.blogspot.com

let me experiment with this only , later i shall go with my other blogs.

if u feel external link again u may delete moderate this again

in ref of my signature what u hv said really aap ne hame bhi rula diya iski post bhi isme pahle hai padhiyega pls, premi to aap ka naam hona chahiye tha
many many thanks
shuklabhramar5
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दादी माँ -सपने ना मुझको
सच की तू तावीज बंधा दे
हंसती रह तू दादी अम्मा
आँचल सर पर मेरे डाले
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  #66  
Old April 16th, 2011, 12:23 PM
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shuklabhramar5 shuklabhramar5 is offline
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Re: Naari- Bhramar-Hindi kavita (Hindi poem).कली -खिली मै बादल जैसी

कली -खिली मै
बादल जैसी
उडी-चली

उस दिन
जब उसके मंडप में
कनखी से यूं
तुमने देखा
कली -खिली मै
बादल जैसी
उडी-चली फिर
साया बन के
पीछे तेरे
ना मुड के
पर तूने देखा


शुक्ल भ्रमर ५
१६.०४.2011
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दादी माँ -सपने ना मुझको
सच की तू तावीज बंधा दे
हंसती रह तू दादी अम्मा
आँचल सर पर मेरे डाले

Last edited by shuklabhramar5; April 16th, 2011 at 12:25 PM.
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  #67  
Old April 21st, 2011, 01:04 PM
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Re: Naari- Bhramar-Hindi kavita (Hindi poem).

जला हुआ घर आग निकलती
भैरव राग सुनाऊँ
मै दुनिया को जगा रहा हूँ
मेरे घर सब सोते
गली बुहारूं मै दुनिया की
घर सब- कूड़े में सोते
भाई मेरा पी कर आता
बम -बम -बम -बम भोले
गा के -आधी रात जगाता
बीबी को फटकार कभी तो
माँ बापू का गला दबाता
लक्ष्मी गृह की -गृह क्लेश से
सहमी भूखी सोती
कितने सुन्दर प्यारे बच्चे
डर के सहमे सोते
वो क्या जानें प्यार क्या होता
धूल लपेटे-रोते
गवर्नमेंट अपनी सब देती
घर -राशन बिजली अरु पानी
खाना भी स्कूल पठाती
पर बच्चो को ना ला पाती
मेरा गुस्सा अपने भाई
अपनी बीबी पर आता
लिखता पढता मै समझाता
कुत्ते सा भूंके मै जाता
बहरे कान न गाना सुनते
पोथी मेरी देते फेंक
कहते घर है जला जा रहा
मस्ती 'कवि' तुझको है आई
कहें भ्रमर क्या गला दबा दें
जिनके कारण- आग लगी है
पुलिस -जेल या फिर भिजवा दें
भाई है लेकिन मेरा वो
"माँ" तो मेरे बीच खड़ी है
लिखते पढ़ते हार थका मै
माँ की गोद में जा सो जाता
माँ को आँख दिखाता जब वो
होश गवां जब जब चिल्लाता
तब भूखा मै जाग-जाग कर
फिर कुछ लिखने को आ जाता
मेरी बीबी बहुत सुघड़ है
मधुर -मधुर समझाती
दिन भर-भोली-फुलवारी को
अपने रहे सजाती !!
कहती लिख दे सोहर-कजरी
पुस्तक में छपवाए
नाम के साथ तुम्हारे सजना
दो पैसे भी आये
हाथ पकड़ने जब जाऊं मै
झटक के बस है रोती

अच्छी बातें बोल बोलकर
घूमूँ ईमां -धर्म- राग मै गाऊं
डरता हूँ इस पागल दुनिया में
घूम घूम मै
पागल -ना बन जाऊं
लोग आज लिए पत्थर हैं
हाथ उठाये घूमें
किस पर भाई करूँ भरोसा
मजनू सा ना मै फंस जाऊं

तुम्ही बता दो
दिल गर तेरे
कुछ धड़कन है बाकी
अच्छा क्या ?? और कौन बुरा है??
कौन राह पकडूँ मै जाऊं
अंधियारे की राह -दिखा-ना
खायीं में गिर जाऊं !!

जला हुआ घर आग निकलती
भैरव राग सुनाऊँ !!
या सुधरें -भाई -सब मेरे
या चुल्लू भर गंगा पानी
डूब मरूं -तर जाऊं .

सुरेन्द्र कुमार शुक्ल भ्रमर५
९.४.२०११
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दादी माँ -सपने ना मुझको
सच की तू तावीज बंधा दे
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  #68  
Old May 3rd, 2011, 01:04 AM
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shuklabhramar5 shuklabhramar5 is offline
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नस्ल बदली -किस्मत बदली

कुत्ता है बेटा -कुत्ता
बड़े लोगों का कुत्ता
बाप ने नन्हे बच्चे को
समझाते हुए कहा
आँखें ढपी हैं ना
आँखें नहीं मिलाता
पर जानता है
पहचानता है
बड़े कुत्तों को !!
थानेदार ,यस पी को
नेता , सफ़ेद पोश को
दुम हिलाता है
घुसने देता है
मुंह कभी तो चाटता है
और उनके तलवे भी
छोटे कुत्तों को छोटे जीव को !
डांटता है -खाने को दौड़ता है !!
ऐसे ही !!
मांस खाता है ,
खून पीता है ,
बिस्कुट और दूध भी ,
दर-दर भटकते हैं ,
माँ बाप मरते हैं ,
खाने को - पानी को
दोगला है -नस्ल बदली
किस्मत बदली
फिर छाएगी बदली
चल बेटा चल
पानी मिलेगा
आगे !!
धूप बड़ी तेज है
माथे पे पसीना है
धूप अब
भागे !!!

एक आँखों देखी घटना पर आधारित- एक भूखा प्यासा गरीब सा आदमी बच्चे के साथ चिलचिलाती धूप में जाता -प्यासा -किसी बड़े आलीशान भवन के आगे अहाते के पास सजी वाटिका में पानी देख प्यास बुझाने को आतुर होता है लेकिन बीच में एक बड़ा कुत्ता भौं भौं कर उसके प्यास बुझाने के इरादे को नाकामयाब कर देता है और बाकि वहां कोई चिड़िया भी दर्शन नहीं देती -

सुरेन्द्र कुमार शुक्ल भ्रमर५
१.५.२०११
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दादी माँ -सपने ना मुझको
सच की तू तावीज बंधा दे
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  #69  
Old May 13th, 2011, 01:22 AM
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shuklabhramar5 shuklabhramar5 is offline
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Re: Naari- Bhramar-Hindi kavita (Hindi poem).

swami ji why i am not able to post my poems
as told earlier many times this error is coming
what is the best way to post ..whr to go whr post ??
Method Not Implemented
GET to /forum/newreply.php not supported.
Additionally, a 404 Not Found error was encountered while trying to use an ErrorDocument to handle the request.
with regards,
shuklabhramr5
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दादी माँ -सपने ना मुझको
सच की तू तावीज बंधा दे
हंसती रह तू दादी अम्मा
आँचल सर पर मेरे डाले
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  #70  
Old May 13th, 2011, 02:21 AM
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Re: Naari- Bhramar-Hindi kavita (Hindi poem).

Shuklaji ... Nanak dukhiya sabh sansar ... I enjoyed reading this poem.




Quote:
Originally Posted by shuklabhramar5 View Post
जला हुआ घर आग निकलती
भैरव राग सुनाऊँ
मै दुनिया को जगा रहा हूँ
मेरे घर सब सोते
गली बुहारूं मै दुनिया की
घर सब- कूड़े में सोते
भाई मेरा पी कर आता
बम -बम -बम -बम भोले
गा के -आधी रात जगाता
बीबी को फटकार कभी तो
माँ बापू का गला दबाता
लक्ष्मी गृह की -गृह क्लेश से
सहमी भूखी सोती
कितने सुन्दर प्यारे बच्चे
डर के सहमे सोते
वो क्या जानें प्यार क्या होता
धूल लपेटे-रोते
गवर्नमेंट अपनी सब देती
घर -राशन बिजली अरु पानी
खाना भी स्कूल पठाती
पर बच्चो को ना ला पाती


सुरेन्द्र कुमार शुक्ल भ्रमर५
९.४.२०११
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दूर से देखने पर तो यही लगता था ... 'वाह! वहाँ क्या मजा होता होगा!'
बुरे फसें 'मजाल', आ कर जन्नत में ... हमने तो सोचा था, कुछ नया होता होगा!
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  #71  
Old May 13th, 2011, 04:57 PM
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echarcha echarcha is offline
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Re: Naari- Bhramar-Hindi kavita (Hindi poem).

Quote:
Originally Posted by badriprasad View Post
Shukla Sahib ... some of us are missing your latest work (poems) ... there is absolutely nothing wrong at this site which should stop you from posting in Devnagari lipi (Hindi fonts). I am able to quote your Hindi fonts ... as you can see from my post. And if you were able to post Hindi fonts on May 2 ... there is no reason why you shouldn't be able to today ... unless


you are using a different computer?

you have installed some new software?

Problem is on your side.
If you are using that other browser (Epic or something) to copy paste posts, then you will not be able to post anything because its recognized as a firewall attack attempt. Sorry I cannot make our ISP change the security restrictions.

I would encourage Shuklaji to use Word or Word Pad to copy paste his poems and then post them here. Or to use the same method he used to when his posts were showing up properly.

Sometimes using a different font can cause problems because not all fonts obey strict unicode character set rules.
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  #72  
Old May 15th, 2011, 01:29 AM
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Re: Naari- Bhramar-Hindi kavita (Hindi poem).

Shukla Sahib, namashkar. I enjoyed visiting your blog. I spent an hour admiring your poems. I noticed a photo of a motherly like good lady with young toddler on her lap. I wondered if two are related to you?

You must have thousands of admirers. You have to cater to them all. I hope you don't mind if I was to share some uninvited observations? I communicated with you in Hindi, I wish, problem is my Hindi is as bad as my English.

You must approach someone to help you un-clutter your blogs. Blog is so full of good stuff that visitors must be having difficult time going through everything. Your town will have hundreds of computer proficient ... many will help you gladly.

You are using this thread as a container to place all poems here. This is good. We do not have to search entire forum. Please write to moderators to edit or delete if you are not happy with any posts which derail your thread, including mine.

You are having problem posting hindi font poems at this site. Have you installed a new browser? Or have you downloaded some new software? Please try to recall changes to computer since last time you posted a poem at this site.

I am not a poet. I don't have your talent. Please disregard following observation if not worth your time. Your poems relates to real-life situations. That is great. If poems were like a train ... you want train to travel on a straight patri ... you will not want your train to go from Delhi to Mumbai via Calcutta. That will be an irritating diversion.

Last thing you would want for attention of your readers to get diverted midway through the poem. I am quoting one of your most enjoyable (so-far) poem down below. I am putting in red ink few lines which were not needed (in my opinion but you have to cater to thousands of readers) ... lines which unnecessarily diverted my attention away for main theme which is your brother, his family, you and your family, your ma and family situation.






Quote:
Originally Posted by shuklabhramar5 View Post
जला हुआ घर आग निकलती
भैरव राग सुनाऊँ
मै दुनिया को जगा रहा हूँ
मेरे घर सब सोते
गली बुहारूं मै दुनिया की
घर सब- कूड़े में सोते
भाई मेरा पी कर आता
...........................बम -बम -बम -बम भोले
गा के -आधी रात जगाता
बीबी को फटकार कभी तो
माँ बापू का गला दबाता
लक्ष्मी गृह की -गृह क्लेश से
सहमी भूखी सोती
कितने सुन्दर प्यारे बच्चे
डर के सहमे सोते
वो क्या जानें प्यार क्या होता
धूल लपेटे-रोते
..................................गवर्नमेंट अपनी सब देती
.............................................घर -राशन बिजली अरु पानी
.............................................खाना भी स्कूल पठाती
.............................................पर बच्चो को ना ला पाती

मेरा गुस्सा अपने भाई
अपनी बीबी पर आता
लिखता पढता मै समझाता
कुत्ते सा भूंके मै जाता
बहरे कान न गाना सुनते
पोथी मेरी देते फेंक
कहते ‘घर’ है ‘जला’ जा रहा
मस्ती 'कवि' तुझको है आई
कहें भ्रमर क्या गला दबा दें
जिनके कारण- ‘आग’ लगी है
पुलिस -जेल या फिर भिजवा दें
भाई’ है लेकिन मेरा वो
"माँ" तो मेरे बीच खड़ी है
लिखते पढ़ते हार थका मै
‘माँ ‘की गोद में जा सो जाता
‘माँ’ को ‘आँख’ दिखाता जब वो
‘होश गवां’ जब जब चिल्लाता
तब ‘भूखा मै’ जाग-जाग कर
फिर कुछ लिखने को आ जाता
मेरी बीबी बहुत ‘सुघड़’ है
मधुर -मधुर समझाती
दिन भर-भोली-फुलवारी को
अपने रहे सजाती !!
कहती लिख दे सोहर-कजरी
पुस्तक में छपवाए
नाम के साथ तुम्हारे सजना
दो पैसे भी आये
हाथ पकड़ने जब जाऊं मै
झटक के बस है रोती

अच्छी बातें बोल बोलकर
घूमूँ ईमां -धर्म- राग मै गाऊं
डरता हूँ इस पागल दुनिया में
घूम घूम मै
पागल -ना बन जाऊं
लोग आज लिए पत्थर हैं
हाथ उठाये घूमें
किस पर भाई करूँ भरोसा
मजनू सा ना मै फंस जाऊं

तुम्ही बता दो
दिल गर तेरे
कुछ धड़कन है बाकी
अच्छा क्या ?? और कौन बुरा है??
कौन राह पकडूँ मै जाऊं
अंधियारे की राह -दिखा-ना
खायीं में गिर जाऊं !!

जला हुआ घर आग निकलती
भैरव राग सुनाऊँ !!
या सुधरें -भाई -सब मेरे
या चुल्लू भर गंगा पानी
डूब मरूं -तर जाऊं .

सुरेन्द्र कुमार शुक्ल भ्रमर५
९.४.२०११
__________________
.................................................
Stupid Opinions ... All Mine ... worth 2 cents ... you can have for FREE.
Jamke Dushmani Karo Humse ... Magar Bas Itni Gunjaesh Hai Aapse
Kal Agar Hum Dost Ban Jaayen ... To Sharminda Na Ho!


LLKC ... pure and unadulterated ... LLKC!

दूर से देखने पर तो यही लगता था ... 'वाह! वहाँ क्या मजा होता होगा!'
बुरे फसें 'मजाल', आ कर जन्नत में ... हमने तो सोचा था, कुछ नया होता होगा!
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  #73  
Old July 18th, 2011, 05:27 AM
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shuklabhramar5 shuklabhramar5 is offline
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Re: Naari- Bhramar-Hindi kavita (Hindi poem).

तीन बीबियाँ प्यारी न्यारी
वो बीबी तो प्रेम मूर्ति है
स्नेह छलकता पीयूष घट
सात जो संग फेरे लेती है
सात जन्म प्यारा बंधन
जब भी मिलो तुम्ही पिय मेरे
एकादशी प्रदोष रहे व्रत
प्यार लुटाती संग संग खाती
सुख -दुख आधा बाँट फिरे
अर्धांगिनी है पूजी जाती
वो सुहाग की रात न भूले
दुल्हन अब भी बनी रहे
सजना उसका आभूषण है
क्या सोना है ? भोर हुए उठ खड़ी रहे
चपला सी दिन भर फिरती वो
कभी न लगता थकी है ये
फुलवारी को सींच खिलाये
संस्कृति अपनी सब सिखलाये
बच्चे से बूढ़े सब भाई
जुटें -गृह लक्ष्मी -गृह स्वर्ग बनाये
पति की प्यारी राम दुलारी
रहे समर्पित जीवन भर
रोते राम थे वन वन भटके
बिन सीते -कहता रामायण !!

ये बीबी तो पढ़ी लिखी है
स्वतंत्रता पहचाने
रात निकलती सुबह को आती
मन भर सोना जाने
कुछ पट्टी कुछ आभूषण से
मूर्ति बनी वो सजी रहे
कृत्रिम रंग से लाली छाये
खाते -पीते- छुपे- डरे
दस-दस बॉय फ्रेंड रख कर के
पति सा उनको जाने -माने
कितने दुर्गम काज किये ये
थक हारी घर आ बेचारी
पति से अपने पाँव दबा ले
स्वतंत्रता ही पढ़ी लिखी ये
सब करार पर होता
शादी -बच्चे यदि मन चाहे
या जबरन ही सब कुछ होता
प्रेम प्यार परिभाषा दूजी
व्याख्या करती तुझे बता दे
कुछ पैसे ला कहीं कमाए
बिउटी पार्लर से बच जाए
चारा सा ये घर में डाले
हुकुम चला के भाई अपना
बंटवारा कर -बाड़- लगा दे
ये भी प्यारी बहुत उन्हें है
प्यार- एक व्यापार -जो मानें !!
-
और एक बीबी है -ये भी
सामंजस्य है -कूट-कूट कर भरा हुआ
पढ़ती लिखती काम पे जाती
पति- बच्चे सब साथ -लिए !
साथ साथ सब मिल कुछ करती
सब का हिय सम्मान लिए !
घर से बाहर कर्म अनेकों
फिरती है मुस्कान लिए !
पंख फैलाये उडती है ये
जल -थल -नभ सब नाप लिए !
सुखानुभूति -बस प्रेम से मिलती
शोध किये -सब जान लिए !
सुबह निकलती शाम को फिरती
दृश्य अनेकों देख रही- ये !
राह मलिन है कहीं कहीं तो
कौए -कुत्ते झाँक रहे !
चन्दन में विष नहीं व्यापता
अगल बगल में चाहे उसके
लिपटे जितने सांप रहें !!

सुरेन्द्र कुमार शुक्ल भ्रमर ५
Bhramar Ka Dard Aur Darpan
http://surenrashuklabhramar.blogspot.com
८.७.२०११ जल पी बी ६.३० पूर्वाह्न
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  #74  
Old July 18th, 2011, 05:41 AM
shuklabhramar5's Avatar
shuklabhramar5 shuklabhramar5 is offline
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Re: Naari- Bhramar-Hindi kavita (Hindi poem).

Quote:
Originally Posted by tantric_yogi View Post
Shukla Sahib, namashkar. I enjoyed visiting your blog. I spent an hour admiring your poems. I noticed a photo of a motherly like good lady with young toddler on her lap. I wondered if two are related to you?

You must have thousands of admirers. You have to cater to them all. I hope you don't mind if I was to share some uninvited observations? I communicated with you in Hindi, I wish, problem is my Hindi is as bad as my English.

You must approach someone to help you un-clutter your blogs. Blog is so full of good stuff that visitors must be having difficult time going through everything. Your town will have hundreds of computer proficient ... many will help you gladly.

You are using this thread as a container to place all poems here. This is good. We do not have to search entire forum. Please write to moderators to edit or delete if you are not happy with any posts which derail your thread, including mine.

You are having problem posting hindi font poems at this site. Have you installed a new browser? Or have you downloaded some new software? Please try to recall changes to computer since last time you posted a poem at this site.

I am not a poet. I don't have your talent. Please disregard following observation if not worth your time. Your poems relates to real-life situations. That is great. If poems were like a train ... you want train to travel on a straight patri ... you will not want your train to go from Delhi to Mumbai via Calcutta. That will be an irritating diversion.

Last thing you would want for attention of your readers to get diverted midway through the poem. I am quoting one of your most enjoyable (so-far) poem down below. I am putting in red ink few lines which were not needed (in my opinion but you have to cater to thousands of readers) ... lines which unnecessarily diverted my attention away for main theme which is your brother, his family, you and your family, your ma and family situation.
Tantrik yogi ji I am very glad to notice that u hv visited my blog ..there are more blogs related to that ..there were several links ..i do not know whether u have visited to those also like..
BHRAMAR KI MADHURI
RAS RANG BHRAMR KA
BAAL JHAROKHA SATYAM KI DUNIYA
SHUKLABHRAMAR5.JAGRANJUNCTION.COM.
BHRAMAR IN ALLINDIAASSOCIATIONBLOG, JAUNPURBLOG,PURVANCHALBLOG..etc..
your suggestion about these lines ..which should not have been ..
bam bam bam bam bhole ..after drinking a drunkar speeks that..
other about childs ..due to him ..who are lying uncared ..no money so no schooling ..government schools are thr but ppl r not interested ...
as per my view this was reqd to show ..u r rt at ur place ..may be that hv been good..
I am having google chrome ...today no problem ..i v posted successfully....

I wanted from u all to give a link of my one blog at least ....if u could suggest bout this ..or can help ..
as u feel uneasy for Hindi I m in english ..so i think u hv understand all ...'
regarding derailment or giving bad remarks ...I am not so bothered as I have a lot of my good readers who understand well Bhramar.
Jai Hind ....
shukla Bhramar5
18.07.2011
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  #75  
Old June 15th, 2015, 07:22 AM
Jagmohan Jagmohan is offline
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Re: Naari- Bhramar-Hindi kavita (Hindi poem).

बहुत ही सुंदर पंक्तियाँ पेश है -


एक डोली चली एक अर्थी चली......,,
बात दोनों में कुछ इस तरह से चली ,
बोली डोली तुम्हे किसने धोका दिया,
कहाँ तू चली...??
अर्थी बोली .......
चार तुझमे लगे, चार मुझमे लगे (कंधे)
फुल तुझपे सजे, फुल मुझपे सजे,
फर्क इतना ही है अब सुन ले सखी,
तू पिया को चली मै प्रभु को चली ........///
मांग तेरी भरी, मांग मेरी भरी ,
चूड़ी तेरी हरी, चूड़ी मेरी हरी ,
फर्क इतना ही है अब सुन ले सखी..
तू जहाँ में चली, मै जहाँ से चली.......///
एक सजन तेरा खुश हो जायेगा ,
एक सजन मेरा मुझको रो जायेगा ,
फर्क इतना ही है अब सुन ले सखी,,
तू विदा हो चली ........,
मै अलविदा हो चली .......///
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