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  #1  
Old November 19th, 2009, 03:41 AM
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Question Second marriage.

How many of you have been married a second time? Or have seen second marriage in your close circle? For some time now, I have been wanting to ask some questions about considerations for second marriage.

It is not easy to decide, as you all can imagine. It is not easy to decide on a partner for first marriage too, but it is 1000 times more difficult to decide about second marriage.

Should one get married a second time?
Unmarried or previously married?
if previously married then widow or divorced (including annulled / separated etc)
With kids or without?
If with kids, then how many? how old? (lawgirl, does the law make mandatory for a partner to legally adopt the other partner's minor kids?)
How much age gap between the partners?
Same caste?
Same religion?
Same region or ok if from far off region ?
What kind of checks? How to check?
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  #2  
Old November 19th, 2009, 03:58 AM
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Re: Second marriage.

Quote:
Originally Posted by raniraja View Post

Should one get married a second time?

YES !!!
Unmarried or previously married?

doesn't matter

if previously married then widow or divorced (including annulled / separated etc)

doesn't matter

With kids or without?

individual choice..for me doesn't matter

If with kids, then how many? how old? (lawgirl, does the law make mandatory for a partner to legally adopt the other partner's minor kids?)

depends on financial status of to-be couple

How much age gap between the partners?

+- 4-5 (and closing i.e +- 1,2,3,4) years...

Same caste?

duhhh...

Same religion?

again a duhhh...

Same region or ok if from far off region ?

doesn't matter as long as you can communicate in a common language

What kind of checks? How to check?

if divorced or separated then the real reason behind divorce (also go through the divorce judgment). An interview with past-hubby/wife in presence of to-be (if possible) , mandatory medical check-ups and a pre-marriage counselling sessions for both.
Everyone needs companionship. Dying after living alone for decades is certainly not done. One needs a partner with who he/she would like to grow old ....all in all...second chance sab ka banta hain....both man and a woman do a huge favor on each other, their children and society by deciding to get married 'responsibly' to each other after a failed first marriage!!
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  #3  
Old November 19th, 2009, 04:16 AM
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Re: Second marriage.

Well, I'll tell you the reasons for these questions.

Should one get married a second time? My own answer is yes. No life without wife.

Unmarried or previously married? : If a girl is unmarried at the 35-40 .. well, it is unusual.

if previously married then widow or divorced (including annulled / separated etc) : Again, it is a big consideration.

A divorced person lives with the knowledge that the previous partner is alive and may cast a shadow on future. Also, the attitude is either - It wasn't my fault, it was the other person's fault - or - It was all my fault - or - both are to blame in some way.

A widow, thanks to Raja Ram Mohan Roy, looks down upon a divorced person and usually considers herself sati savitri. This attitude may cast a shadow in future.

With kids or without? If with kids, then how many? how old? (lawgirl, does the law make mandatory for a partner to legally adopt the other partner's minor kids?)
of course it matters. A kid, in my opinion, binds the family. Also, in a nuclear family, a kid means some more purpose in life. For older people who are set in their ways, a kid is a reason for compromise and adjustment.

Age of the child is of course very important. A child of say, more than 7 years, is developed enough to understand relationships and may have his/her own opinions about how he / she feels about the new father/ mother. A parent may be willing to adopt a child whole heartedly, but one can not be sure if the child will adopt the new parent.


How much age gap between the partners?
Same caste?
Same religion?

All these do matter, similarities make adjustment easier.

Same region or ok if from far off region ? Family ties have to be maintained, don't they. At the same time too close to relatives may mean interference.

What kind of checks? How to check?[/quote]
Usually the person is not in contact with the previous partner. In most of the cases people seek a second chance only after fully breaking off from the previous partner.
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  #4  
Old November 19th, 2009, 04:27 AM
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Re: Second marriage.

Quote:
Originally Posted by raniraja View Post

How much age gap between the partners?
Same caste?
Same religion?

All these do matter, similarities make adjustment easier.
What difference did they make, say, in a previous marriage which ended up in a divorce?
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  #5  
Old November 19th, 2009, 04:30 AM
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Re: Second marriage.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sprite View Post
What difference did they make, say, in a previous marriage which ended up in a divorce?
perhaps because they were not considered at all in the earlier marriage. So the question now.
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Old November 19th, 2009, 04:40 AM
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Re: Second marriage.

Quote:
Originally Posted by raniraja View Post
perhaps because they were not considered at all in the earlier marriage. So the question now.
Personally I feel (thanks to my parents)...caste, religion, region, nationality etc etc doesn't matter at all..as my parents say...'ladki se matlab hain and hummare baccho.n ki pasand se....ladki ki family ya khandaan are secondary or doesn't exist at all while stamping 'approved''.."....I have seen their views in inter-religion marriages..they are like..'bloddy if guys parent's would have accepted then she would have kept them way happier than what their caste/religion girl would have kept..." types...

all in all, I have seen 2 inter-religion marriages (hindu-muslim) in my friend circle (one accepted and one not accepted by guys family) and the couples are extremely happy with each other....anyways...my opinion ofcourse..for me these things don't matter at all...
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  #7  
Old November 19th, 2009, 05:08 AM
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Re: Second marriage.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sprite View Post
all in all, I have seen 2 inter-religion marriages (hindu-muslim) in my friend circle (one accepted and one not accepted by guys family) and the couples are extremely happy with each other....anyways...my opinion ofcourse..for me these things don't matter at all...
Fine.. good for everyone. Also, right views for first marriage. Now, please, seen any break-ups / second marriages? It is a different perspective altogether. So, others, your opinions please?
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  #8  
Old November 19th, 2009, 05:18 AM
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Re: Second marriage.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ashdoc View Post
are you asking for yourself ?
does it matter really?
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  #9  
Old November 19th, 2009, 05:25 AM
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Re: Second marriage.

Quote:
Originally Posted by raniraja View Post
How many of you have been married a second time? Or have seen second marriage in your close circle? For some time now, I have been wanting to ask some questions about considerations for second marriage.

It is not easy to decide, as you all can imagine. It is not easy to decide on a partner for first marriage too, but it is 1000 times more difficult to decide about second marriage.

Should one get married a second time?
A big yes.
Unmarried or previously married?
It depends on what you are expecting from the partner. Also like you said, getting someone between 35-40 who are still single is difficult.
if previously married then widow or divorced (including annulled / separated etc)
Be it a divorcee or a widow, both would have some traumatic past though it is different in various instances. When you speak with them you will know exactly what you want and whom you want.
With kids or without?
In the initial stages, it becomes easier with someone without kids. You will need time for yourself without having to worry about how to make sure that the kid would accept you if not overly in love with you.
But if you meet a lady who is what you want, then you can consider someone with kids too.
Also remember that she has to accept your kids too, if you have.


If with kids, then how many? how old? (lawgirl, does the law make mandatory for a partner to legally adopt the other partner's minor kids?)
Assuming that the kids are not getting any alimony, consider your financial position before you say yes to any more than 2 kids. Sometime in future you also would want your own kids, right?

How much age gap between the partners?
Women mature slightly earlier than men. So, 5 years or so is an ideal age gap according to me.
Same caste?
Even if it is not the same caste, just try to make sure that at least your eating habits (veg-non/veg) match. It really does matter in the long run.
Same religion?
Yes. If it was a love marriage, then there is no need to consider religion but when it is a planned wedding it makes things easier if most of the customs etc match when you actually start a life together.
Same region or ok if from far off region ?
OK from far off region also.
What kind of checks? How to check?
Be careful about the divorce papers and get professional help to check that everything is fine, if you are marrying a divorcee. Also meet the lady and talk to her as much as you can to understand her before you make up your mind.
If you are going through a matrimonial agency, usually they do the background checks before they accept members. So you can get more information from them also.
Hopefully someone ese can shed more light.

P.S: When I say "you", I mean whoever is considering second marriage. If this was not for you, dont get me wrong.
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  #10  
Old November 19th, 2009, 07:12 AM
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Re: Second marriage.

I am assuming the first spouse is dead and that's why you want to marry a second time. If not, then you will have to change your religion to the religion of "peace" as otherwise it is illegal.

Quote:
Originally Posted by raniraja View Post
How many of you have been married a second time? Or have seen second marriage in your close circle? For some time now, I have been wanting to ask some questions about considerations for second marriage.

I have not... yet. Had a friend marry a widow with 2 kids. Very happy family... I think, haven't met them in a long time.

It is not easy to decide, as you all can imagine. It is not easy to decide on a partner for first marriage too, but it is 1000 times more difficult to decide about second marriage.

It is easy, if you follow my instructions below.

Should one get married a second time?

Yes... but only if the first one is dead.

Unmarried or previously married?

Doesn't matter but contingent on what's written below.

if previously married then widow or divorced (including annulled / separated etc)

Only a widow. 'Cos you will be bring happiness to someone.

With kids or without?

Doesn't matter... as you will understand below.

If with kids, then how many? how old? (lawgirl, does the law make mandatory for a partner to legally adopt the other partner's minor kids?)

Doesn't matter... but do keep in mind that more the kids, less the fun in one other department. Also, since you are marrying old widows... the kids would be grown up and having their own lives.

How much age gap between the partners?

The older (and longer) the widow the better... as you will be bringing happiness at least in the last few hours. This will also give you a chance of bringing happiness and pleasure to a whole lot of widows. As each one exits the scene, you can marry again.

Same caste?

Never.

Same religion?

Not really important... but if you are a male then you should consider marrying a woman from the religion of "peace". You will bring some light (enlightenment) and happiness in the last few days of her (till now) miserable life.

Same region or ok if from far off region ?

Doesn't matter.

What kind of checks? How to check?

Richer the better... just to get some happiness for yourself. After all, how much social service can one do
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Last edited by Sane Less; November 19th, 2009 at 07:15 AM.
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  #11  
Old November 19th, 2009, 07:17 AM
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Re: Second marriage.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sane Less View Post
I am assuming the first spouse is dead and that's why you want to marry a second time. If not, then you will have to change your religion to the religion of "peace" as otherwise it is illegal.
Yes, the assumption is either he/she is widowed or divorced.
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Old November 19th, 2009, 07:40 AM
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Re: Second marriage.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sanakgayi-less pai
How many of you have been married a second time? Or have seen second marriage in your close circle? For some time now, I have been wanting to ask some questions about considerations for second marriage.

I have not... yet. Had a friend marry a widow with 2 kids. Very happy family... I think, haven't met them in a long time.
what is it with you and happy families??? please go and meet them... I know you might decrease their happiness but go with open mind.

back to topic...
I would say marry in the same religion and language if you find a suitable one... the order for me goes like... compatibility & likability> language> religion> career aspirations (both involved)

The big problem I see is how to know the other person has same order of preferences.

Last edited by sarv_shaktimaan; November 19th, 2009 at 07:43 AM.
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Old November 19th, 2009, 07:50 AM
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Re: Second marriage.

After 4 marriages, it seems that if you have money, you are better off getting laid without being a beast of burden in marriage
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Old November 19th, 2009, 08:48 AM
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Re: Second marriage.

Thanks Rakhi and Shakti .. Shakti, you got the order right. Aspirations are important, of course.

Regarding kids, for a fellow who has gotten used to living alone, an influx of 3 new family members may appear like invasion.. so perhaps one small child is a good option, a desirable option. The problem is, the women in the desirable age group generally have older kids.. nearly teens. That changes the choice, should it?

also, education.. I know the stock answer would be "minimum graduate", but still, just asking.

also, an older woman is likely to have developed some health issues. One can put up with a lot of health issues, if not hidden (which is the general tendency). Also someone with a minor handicap (whether visible or not) that doesn't interfere with daily activities .. again that faces the problem of how much of handicap is revealed.

Generally speaking, second marriage is a compromise for both. The problem is that both are well set in their ways and life after whatever trauma the first marriage brought. So, there is greater inertia.

Even when things proceed beyond the point of initial contact, the problem of checking remains. People are loathe to even show the papers, let alone a health check-up.
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  #15  
Old November 19th, 2009, 09:02 AM
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Re: Second marriage.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarv_shaktimaan View Post
what is it with you and happy families??? please go and meet them... I know you might decrease their happiness but go with open mind.
...
Gandhiji ne kaha, "Suki sansar... safal sansar". Buddha found elt in happiness... or maybe the other way, happiness in elt. Once he found elt, he was happy and went around preaching. He struggled no more. You are losing your cultural values, Sarvshettimaanu pai. Please learn from these learned people. You will find happiness... and maybe elt.

Quote:
Originally Posted by raniraja View Post
Thanks Rakhi and Shakti .. Shakti, you got the order right. Aspirations are important, of course.
...
What? Only to Rakihi tai and Shatkinaam pai Main kya jak maarne ko answer kiya That's it. I am putting you in the ignore list. No more answers to you, Ranijaana pai
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