Jokes

[Budmaas]

Jab kutte ki maut aati hai to....
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To kutta mar jata hai.
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Aap ko to har baat mein twist chahiye kyaa...!!

[Budmaas]

dost: Biwi se Jhagda Solve hua kya..??
Santa: Ghutno pe Chal k Aayi thi Mere Paas.....ghutno pe....!!
Dost: kya baat kar raha hai...?
Santa: aur nahi to kya...!!
Dost: Kyaa Boli..??
Santa: Booli Palang k Neeche se baahar aa jaoo,,, Ab Nahi Maarungi...

[swami]

Sunny Leone Was
At A Lingerie Store
Asks Santa"Trial Room.? " .
Santa - Idhar Hi Karlo
Humse Kya Chhupana Abb,
4 GB ka MP4 collection hi

[Jagmohan]

A Suspicious wife calls her husband : Where are you?



Husband : At home love.
Wife: Are you sure?
Husband: Yes.
Wife : Turn on the blender
Husband : Just wait a sec, (turns the blender on) Rrrreeereeeereeee...
Wife: Ok my love goodbye.

Another day...
Suspicious Wife: Where are you?
Husband : At home love. Wife: Are you sure?
Husband : Yes.
Wife: Turn on the blender.
Husband: A momento, (turns the blender on) Rrreeereeeereeee...
Wife: Ok my love goodbye.

The next day, the wife decides to go home without notice, and finds her son alone and she asked him, "Son where is your father?"

Son: "I do not know, he went out with blender...

[sarv_shaktimaan]

Originally Posted by swami

Sunny Leone Was
At A Lingerie Store
Asks Santa"Trial Room.? " .
Santa - Idhar Hi Karlo
Humse Kya Chhupana Abb,
4 GB ka MP4 collection hi

Santa at lingerie store.. that's got to be the punch in this joke.

[Jagmohan]

Vajpayee, Kalam and Modi have proved that if there is no disturbance from wife in life, even a poet, scientist or a chai wala can lead a nation !

Maya, Mamta, & Jayalalitha have proved that if there is no husband to disturb, a woman can disturb a nation !

Keep smiling!



*graduation speech*

"Its good to see that all of our parents had sex during the same year.
*glaring at my enemy*
some used condoms of a cheaper quality and faced the consequences..



Had Facebook(Al-Facebook) been invented by an Arab or an Iraqi, these would have been the features,
1) "Masa-Allah" Button instead of "like".//"Alhamudillah" button for "Super-Like".
2) An added button of "Astahfirullah" instead of "Dislike".// "La hawla wala quwwata" for super-Dislike.
3) For "Hide from Timeline" button there would have been "Hijab"
4) For "Poke" there would have been "Fatwa"
5) " Community Standards" would be "Sharia Law Courts" and they will judge the contents as "Halal" and "Haram".
6) "Wallah Habibi!! main bhi post karegi" for "Share"
7) "Page Admins" would be called "Khalifas"
8) If females upload profile pictures, there would be an option of "Stone to death"
9) All the western, Indian, Asian, African or any Non-Kebab nationals would have needed to pay "Jijiya" taxes for joining.
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10) And "Allah-Hoo-Akbar" button for "Report" (Followed by an explosion in the handsets/laptops).


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[Jagmohan]

Maid problem in India !!!

Govt. banned maid under 15 years - Okay agreed !!!
Wives banned main between 15 yrs and 35 years - hmm okay (with a heavy heart!!!)
Husbands banned maids above 40 yrs !!! - Correct decision(and me as a husband support it)

Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says , 'Male or female?'
Customer says , 'Female.'
Counter guy asks , 'Black or white?'
Customer says , 'White.'
Counter guy asks , 'Christian or Muslim?'
Customer says , 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'
Counter guy says , 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'





Wife: You had lunch?
Husband (in a naughty mood): You had lunch?
Wife: I'm asking you.
Husband: I'm asking you.
Wife: Are you copying me?
Husband: Are you copying me?
Wife: Let's go shopping.
Husband: I had lunch!

[Jagmohan]

Aishwarya rai updates her status - feeling safe
Homeless men in bandra update their status - feeling safe
Vivek Oberoi updates his status - Feeling safe
Black buck in Rajasthan updates his status - Feeling safe.
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Ranbir kapoor updated his status : Time to get married -feeling safe




Reactions on Salman conviction:


I had suggested before that as a strategy, Salman Khan's lawyers should have shown the Judge his Tweets and Plead insanity


Salman got bail faster than most people get bhel.


If you must #StandBySalman make sure you aren't on the pavement.


People worried about the movies riding on Salman Khan, purane films ki clips chipka do uske fans ko kaunsa pata chalega


Acche Din are here.
For Blackbucks.
Pavement dwellers.
Cinema in general.


Bhai ne bola hai # Ke Mujh pe ek Ehsaan karna ke mujh pe koi ehsaan mat karna… Judge ne serious le liya isko


SalmanKhan will start a new brand #BeingJailed with clothing lines for jail.

The Sindhi Judge
Taking his seat in his chambers, the smart & honest Sindhi Judge faced both the opposing lawyers.
"So'', the Judge said, ''I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe.."
Both lawyers became uncomfortable.
"You, Attorney Mohanty, gave me Rs. 5,00,000, and you, Attorney Venkat, gave me Rs. 6,00,000."
The judge now reached into his pocket and pulled out Rs. 1,00,000. He handed it to Attorney Venkat and said..."Now that I have returned Rs. 1,00,000, we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!"

[Jagmohan]

Now even 3D Earthiis and Digital thaathadi !

[Jagmohan]

Modi ~ मन की बात
Pawar ~ धन की बात
Leone ~ तन की बात
Takia ~ थन की बात
Virat ~ रन की बात
Kejri ~ जंग की बात
Sagarika ~ हरे रंग की बात





Me: Meetha paan lagaiyo
Paan wala: kitna?
Me: 1
Paan wala: katha?
Me: Banate banate suna de





Dad: 2 saal baad ghar kyun wapas aaya?
Jiggu : Maine bola tha "Kuch ban ke wapas aaunga"
Dad: Kya bana?
Jiggu : Qtiya


[IMG]*******************images/smilie3/lotpot.gif[/IMG]

paan khanewale ka caller tune:


"आपने जिस नंबर को कॉल किया है
वो इस वक्त ' गुटका खा रहे हैं,
कृपया उनके थुंकने तक प्रतीक्षा करें "


[IMG]*******************images/smilie3/lotpot.gif[/IMG]


RaGa: Mumma, yeh Jiju kyun 2 ghante se right-click kar rahe hain desktop icons pe?
Sonia: Beta, Right click pe "Properties" jo dekhti hain

[IMG]*******************images/smilie3/lotpot.gif[/IMG]

[Jagmohan]

சசி வர்ணன் @ FB :

Reporter:- PM sir; which fruit do you like?

Modi:- Apple

Reporter:- Breaking news---
Modi does not like Mangoes; Banana; Peru; etc.
Let’s ask Congress their views on this.

Manish Tewari:- Modi like Apple means Red color.
This means he likes bloodshed
This means he does not want peace and harmony in the country

Ahmed Patel:- This means Modi is only promoting Hindutva.
He does not like green fruits means he is against Muslims.
This clearly shows Modi has no feelings for Muslims.

Nitish Kumar:- This attitude of Modi is what made us split from NDA

Rahul Gandhi:- Modi never says which chocolate he likes.
The Nation has the right to know this.

Sonia Gandhi:- People of India please ask from where
Modi is going to get the money to buy such an expensive fruit.

Geelani:- This is Modi’s tactic to usurp Kashmir.
We will not allow this to happen.

Yechuri:- Selecting an expensive fruit like Apple shows Modi is pro- capitalist

Kejriwal:- Traditionally Mango is considered the King of Fruits.
Modi is anti tradition. This is against the interest of the aam aadmi.

Laloo Prasad:- Yeh Modiya to bimaar hai.
Apple khanae say theek nahi hoga

Foreign Media:- Modi’s communal policies are hurting the secular fabric of India.



__________________
You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him discover it in himself.
- Galileo Galilei

[Jagmohan]

THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!


Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet.. But when they go, they
take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING ?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...


BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS
Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

Nominated as the world's best short joke

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

[Jagmohan]

Marriage Proposal in Punjabi English

Dear Madam

I am an olden young uncle living only with myself in Jalandhar. Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.

I am a soiled son from inside Punjab. I am nice and big, six foot tall, and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket,and I am a good batter and I am a fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce a lot.

I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am jolly. I am gay. ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. Am always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top. That is how nice I am. I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the Jim and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the Jim.

I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you. I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What to do ? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday. That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and my things into your hand.

If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hard every day.. fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the Jim. If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press you until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet looking up with lots of hope.

I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.

Expecting soon

Yours and only yours
Balwindar Singh
______________________________

[Jagmohan]

Most cricketers, who are not comfortable in conversing in English, go prepared for some standard questions that are asked to them when commentators chat with them during the awards ceremony.
Inzamam was once asked a different question after Pakistan won the match, for which he was not prepared.
He always had a standard response to the first question. But this time.....

Tony Greig :So Inzi, it's a fantastic news that your wife is pregnant for the second time now!

Inzamam :Bismillah-e-Rehman-e-Rahim!
All credit goes to the boys.
Everyone work hard for it, especially Afridi.
It was tight situation when he went in. Without his strokes it not have been possible.
He was pulling the good balls.
Also Bob Woolmer, who kept a close watch on the progress and gave the proper instructions.
It's all a team effort which pulled us out of big hole. Insha Allah, we all will work together as team, put in big effort and deliver good results all the time !!............................................... [IMG]*******************images/smilies/jump.gif[/IMG]

[Jagmohan]

बांग्लादेश में मोदी और हसीना की बात चीत के कुछ अंश

मोदी: आप भी इंडिया आओ कभी.
हसीना: जी, जरूर मैं आपको बताकर आऊँगी.
मोदी: बताकर ही आना, मैं भी इण्डिया में कम ही रहता हूँ .बांग्लादेश में मोदी और हसीना की बात चीत के कुछ अंश

मोदी: आप भी इंडिया आओ कभी.
हसीना: जी, जरूर मैं आपको बताकर आऊँगी.
मोदी: बताकर ही आना, मैं भी इण्डिया में कम ही रहता हूँ .



Supreme Court ने आज ये स्पष्ट किया है क़ि

अगर पति परमेश्वर है ...!!
तो _

बॉय फ्रैंड भी
छोटा मोटा भैरो बाबा माना जायेगा ।।