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SoapBox Speak up, speak on, speak your heart out!

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Old September 4th, 2001, 05:28 AM
Bal Thackeray's Avatar
Bal Thackeray Bal Thackeray is offline
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: London, England
Posts: 391
Bal Thackeray is on a distinguished road
The Rules Of Housecleaning

1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers.
Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately
whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.

2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when
disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The
Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.

3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide
a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from
the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.

4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces
the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic
atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light
fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim,
"What? And spoil the mood?"

5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard
tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your
chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger,
thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when
you say this.

6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the
doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use
for stuffing handsewn play animals for underprivileged

7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything
unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show
your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob
vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see
our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots
are SO expensive."

8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place
a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS
is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."

9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly
over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and
try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did
this the week before that unspeakable accident... I
haven't had the heart to clean it..."

10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner
with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air
lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations.
Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch,
and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get
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